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[23 Jul 2004|06:58pm]
[ mood | desperate ]

I can't stand it. I just can't. Everything is runnning together, it's just all the same. And i don't forsee any change. I just can't keep living like that.

I guess it was the way my childhood was. Always moving around, never living in one place for more than a year or two. Never a chance to get used to things, never a chance to grow an affinity for anything constant.

But now i've been living in this place for 5 years. And i just can't stand it. I need a changing environment. I need chaos.

clarificationsCollapse )

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All the television children are prone to becoming addicted to WWW...tune out the meaning [13 Jun 2004|09:00am]
I requested some days off...from Tuesday the 22nd to Friday the 25th. We'll have to do the Galveston trip then. Start getting your savings ready!

Okay, these are rough calculations, but this is basically how much the galveston trip will cost:

I found a Super 8 that has a $55 a night rate. At 3 nights (from Tuesday the 22nd till Friday the 25th), that's $165 (without tax).

Now, Galveston is about 320 miles away. With a 10 gallon fuel tank (i'm assuming we're taking my car, as it smells better), with gas at about $1.90 a gallon, that's about $25 for gas.

At the very minimum, we'll need about $20 per person for food.

All together, the whole trip should be around $270. However, it'd be best if we saved up $300, just to be safe. So that means, if 4 people are going (me, sonia, mike, and ross), we should each save up $75.
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Don't believe their brazen lies, like "huh?" or "what the fuck are you talking about?" [03 Jun 2004|04:25am]
[ mood | amused ]


I rarely read kim's journal. About once every 2 months (or so) i glance through it, deem it idiotic, and go back to my normal internet routine. But lately i noticed that some anonymous person has been posting some really intelligent comments. Comments that lay the smack down on what kim is really like. It was kind of cool seeing this unknown person totally ripping kim up.

Somethetimes people post in THIS journal anonymously, which scares me...not many people know about this journal. Usually it's just Sonia just being funny, but occasionally an anonymous comment will really make me think...just WHO reads this thing?

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They will see us waiting from such great heights.. [01 Jun 2004|01:09am]
[ mood | blah ]

God, so much stupid drama...there are sometimes when i wish i could just be happy with what i'm given. I'm trying right now. I know that sometimes i may be unclear in what i desire, but i do know one thing for sure: i want to be with Sonia.

In other news, i might be going to Texas Tech again. Yeah, Mr. I'm-So-Unhappy-Here-At-Tech is reconsidering his decision to do community college at home. I'm thinking that i didn't give TTU a chance...plus, i really want to hang out with Josh once more. Hopefully he's still going to TTU for the next 2 semesters...

If i don't do TTU, i'll probably do UNT. I'm still not even sure what i want to do as a major. If it's something more artsy, then UNT would be better (and closer to home). But UNT isn't very appealing to me right now...i'd rather be FAR from my parents, and in a beautiful environment. Texas Tech had an amazing campus, and even though i failed a lot of classes, i'll admit that the academics were definately better than a community college.


A-kon is coming this friday....God, i'm not sure what's going to happen with that Ren girl. Sonia says that we should take a break from our teenage drama for that weekend, meaning that i shouldn't have to worry too much if i end up doing ::stuff:: with Ren. But then again, i dunno...she just freaks me out. She's very up-front and blunt. Plus, she's very quirky and her emotions turn on a dime. I'm not sure how i'll be able to do shit with her commitment-free.

I hope to be doing more photoshops...i've been taking tons of pictures lately, but i haven't been doing any manips....~sigh~...i really need to spend some time on a complex one. I've been getting rusty, and my recent photomanips are just hacks.

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[16 May 2004|07:03pm]
[ mood | pissed ]

There are sometimes, when something big happens, that i can already see in my head the LJ entry i'll write for it. I sit there and think it all out, thinking how great it will be. However, the only time i really do this is when i'm really pissed off and tired. So i usually just fall asleep and forget all the cleverly sarcastic and subtly jabbing statements i had mulled over.

So, here's my almost-20-hours-after-the-fact statement on what happened last night: I should not have come.

play-by-play account of the nightCollapse )

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[14 May 2004|10:15pm]
How long can you love someone who will never love you back? It's like you have that faint hope dangling in the back of your heart. It just keeps dangling because you can never approach them with your feelings. We're all too scared of rejection, and what it would do to us.

You know what the sad thing is? She probably wasn't even thinking of me when she wrote this. Just herself (like usual). See, she ALSO has someone whom she loves but who doesn't love her back: Charlie.

It still pisses me off though. At least she got to have sex with him. I mean, he even still hangs out with her; goes to her house to hang out with JUST her. When's the last time she called ME, wanting to actually hang out WITH ME? Never.

Oh wait...there was this one time; when she had broken up with kevin and needed a shoulder to cry on. Of coure, kaeli and everyone was out of town; i guess it was a coincidence, huh?

Fuck. I used to always be there for her, and i never got shit for it. Now here she is, lamenting about the exact same thing that has been tearing me up inside for the past year? Fuck that shit. I really need to forget about her.

But i just fucking can't...
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.... [13 May 2004|09:20pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

Hmmm...things have certainly taken a turn. Turn for good, or for the worst, i'm not sure.

I got back in contact with Ren, this cool girl i met at Itzacon last November (or so). I had a mild crush on her. The only thing that sucked was that she was from Oklahoma. After the con, we conversed back and forth through e-mail. I found out that she liked me too. It was all gravy until New Year's Eve, when i found out that she was going to a party here in DFW...with her boyfriend.

After that i didn't really talk to her. She deleted her livejournal, and i all but forgot about until a month ago or so. It was then that i got the idea of trying to get back in touch with her; A-kon was coming, and i wanted to have a couple of people to hang out with for when i get bored of Kaeli and company.

She has started calling me recently. She also e-mailed me saying that she still liked me, which was a suprise. I liked her a long time ago, and i guess i still do. It'd be cool to have a "make-out buddy" for the con. But i dunno...i have doubts. I know Sonia would bludgeon me with a mailbox for saying so, but i have doubts.

I mean, hell, it's been at least 5 months since i last freakin' talked to her.

Right now my brain is telling me to shut up. I mean, i'd sure as hell like to hang out with her again. I'm just afraid that she'll get too attached, and actually want to go out. Which i definately don't want to do...i abhor long-distance relationships.

Whatever. I'm just going to the damned con for the JRock cd's.

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"I have no problem with this 'God' person...it's just his fan-club that annoys me." [11 May 2004|05:10pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Haven't updated in a while...mainly cause not much has been happening. Been skating some; me and bryan are improving a lot on our ledge skating. Hung out with Mike and Ross. Went to Scarbourough fair and bought a wooden sword.

I'm seriously trying to get over jaymi. Even though me and Sonia are broken up, we still do stuff together like we're a couple. It's probably not the right thing to do, but it definately gets my mind off of Jaymi. Sonia says that i should try and avoid her, which is what i plan to do...hopefully at least until A-Kon. By then i hope to be over this fucking obsession (which is what it is, according to now two different people).

God, i want SO many cd's right now...and half of them i have to buy online!

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[01 May 2004|06:10pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

well, i tried calling jaymi again...and once again, i feel like just giving up. She's hanging out with mike, ross, and sonia (thanks for the fucking advice, btw).

Looks like another lonely night ahead of me...maybe i'll memorize the lyrics to "The Final".

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I've gotta find my balance... [01 May 2004|02:04am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Should i even bother...?


i thinkCollapse )

I was hoping to possibly take jaymi out to Tornado Terry's. DDR is something we both enjoy, and TT is one of the last places that has a DDR machine. However, she decided to go with Kaeli and company to Country-Land© to get drunk with a bunch of skate fags...

After they left, i felt like just lying in my bed for the next 2 days. I eventually got the idea of possibly going to Eisenberg's skate part to buy some skate parts with the money i had set aside for Tornado Terry's. I met up with Bryan, and we just ended up going to GPX skatepark. It was fun...

I tried calling the girls while i was skating, to see what they were up to. Nobody answered my phone calls. Bryan and i left a funny message on Sonia's voicemail; i still want to be good friends with her. But...i dunno. It's just wierd.

I was chatting with my friend Ellen, but she seemed more interested in coloring her painting than talking. The pic turned out nice, though.

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"Fuck you lucy, for defining my existance...fuck you, because i still love you..." [28 Apr 2004|11:41pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Too much drama...

Situation in a nutshell: Sonia and i are broken up (or whatever) and i'm trying to confess my feelings for Jaymi. I can't quite bring myself to do it, just like last time...everytime i'm with her i lose my confidence as she starts talking about all her problems and how she misses [insert current boyfriend's name] so much...

I dunno. I always just think that i'm just not good enough for her. I don't think she could see me the same way she sees all her boyfriends. The same way she sees [boyfriend's name].

In brighter news...the Aggroculture crew is progressing! Aggroculture was originally Kris and (skater) Josh. Then Kris started skateboarding and me and bryan met Josh. Now Josh never skates, but Bryan and i still carry the name. Our symbol is an Anarchy sign with part of the outer circle missing, so it looks like a "C" on top of a "A" (get it? AC? Aggroculture? Whatever...). Anyway, Bryan's finally starting to hit handrails and nearly landed a 900 the other day. I'm getting my 540's down pat, and am starting to learn other tricks on handrails.

The only thing that sucks is that i keep on cracking my frames...i'm either gonna have to borrow Bryan's stock frames (which will fit, but are designed for smaller skates) or wait till i have some more cash and buy some more...ugh. I wish i made more money, or had a better job.

Lately, the only thing that's kept me from being too depressed is my massive computer-generated playlist...it's random songs from all the albums i've transferred to my computer. It's awesome...it plays for days on end.

Wish me luck, kidlins...things will probably turn out bad for me, but as sonia says, i need to be more optimistic...

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[27 Apr 2004|03:24pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

Well, she knows. And apparently she thinks that it's an obsession, like i'm some sort of lonely freak. Fuck it.

Have anything to say?

[26 Apr 2004|02:48pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

My dreams taunt me.

I can't stop them. Everytime i doze off, everytime i enter that REM state, it happens. The world slides away and reveals a world shaped by my deepest desires. A world where Sonia isn't in love with me. A world where Jaymi knows of my feelings for her, and acknowledges it in some way. A perfect world where i feel completely whole and happy.

Then i wake up.

I feel like crying...

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Nerdular Nerdence [22 Apr 2004|12:59am]
[ mood | confused ]

I've been debating on whether or not i should make a post like this. I think Sonia reads this (the URL is usually in the browser history, and she uses my computer a lot), and it doesn't really matter anyway if i write it or not. Only a handful of people read this anyway.

However, i decided that i don't want this journal to end up like my other journals. I'm not writing for SOMEONE else. I am writing this for myself.

So, if you are a person that might possibly be get offended or be emotionally effected by this post, then please, don't read it. I know it's in your curiosity to do so anyway, heedless of the consequences. But seriously...like Sonia, or Jaymi, or (god help me) my mom, be wary of this journal. It may cause you problems.

You have been warned.

My complicated love interestsCollapse )

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Kill the Pimp. Kill the Paramedics. Kill the Pimp. Kill the Paramedics... [16 Apr 2004|01:54pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Jeez, i really need to update more often...

Well, rather than make a huge ass post, i'll try and summarize my last few days. First off, Sonia is NOT pregnant. Yeah, huge relief for the both of us. Do you realize how stressful it is, to be kept in suspense as to whether or not your life is ruined? God...But everything is okay now.

Basically, Sonia started having her period, which means no baby. We celebrated that night by getting drunk off of White Wine...which is ironic, cause it was the same wine that lead to the possible pregnancy in the first place. However, we were safe this time...

My skating is really taking off. I've been hitting handrails left and right...it's so awesome. I even locked a soul down the Chisolm Rail, which is good for me, cause i'm usually too afraid to try souls on high rails or ledges.

We also saw Josh the other day...skater josh. It was like his first time skating in months...he was really rusty, but it was good to see him on 8 wheels again. I also got to see Matt skate, which is an event that happens only once every planetary alignment. It was cool though...he gets me pumped up real easy, and i start doing shit i normally won't do.

Other than the whole pregnancy scare and my skating, nothing much has been happening. Kaeli broke up with Ismael, but i have yet to see how that will turn out. I need to make a new LJ layout for Kelsey's, Jaymi's, and my own journal. I haven't really been photoshoping as of late.

Oh yeah, i dropped out of TCU...i hope that it's just for this semester. Lately, i've been thinking about moving to Arizona and trying college there for a while. My mom said that she thinks i need a change, and i'm beginning to think so too.

A-Kon is this June.....w00t3r.

Have anything to say?

"I'm sorry to say this, but the results are back and... you're an idiot." [07 Apr 2004|01:25am]
Well, i haven't updated in a few weeks...damn. A ton of stuff has happened.

This post is probably going to be long. I'll sort it out into LJ-cut sections...

thursdayCollapse )

FridayCollapse )

saturdayCollapse )

sundayCollapse )

mondayCollapse )

today (tuesday)Collapse )

Well, there's my life for the past 5 or 6 days. God...so much drama. Kim supposedly gets back from the hospital tomorrow night. I have to work again, and also on thursday. April's birthday will be this saturday. She's all excited...she's going to have it at the Zoo (yes, you read that correctly....a 17 year old girl is having a Zoo birthday). I probably won't be able to go...most likely i'll be working. Damnit, i hate my job...i SO wish that i could get my old job at B&N again. Fuck.

choicesCollapse )
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It's all about the wild simoan monkey butt sex [31 Mar 2004|11:24pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

It's over.

My grades are so low in all my classes that they are point of no return. I have to drop out. Sure, it's a waste of nearly a thousand dollars...but then again, if i stay till the end of the semester, it's a waste of a thousand dollars AND a dent in my already abysmall GPA.

In other, happier news...

I got a new cell phone. It's on my mom's plan, but i'm gonna pay her back something like $20 a month. It's pretty sweet....it's a nokia 3588i. It's silver, and has a telescoping antenna. Otherwise, it's just a rectangular lookin' thing. The screen is color, and it has a buncha games on it. BTW, Josh, what's your numba there at TTU? Do you have cell at all? I'll put the number in my phone, maybe we can chat sometime...

Ugh, race weekend is about to start. Tomorrow is when all the rabid fans start flocking to the hotel. I have to leave 3 hours earlier than i normally do, cause of traffic. Then comes the 8 hours of grueling running-back-and-forth. I'm definately wearing my new shoes (they're comfy).

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Everything to Everyone [31 Mar 2004|01:14am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Let's dive in...

I'm failing most my classes. I haven't seen any grades or anything yet, but i'm positive that i am. I haven't been to class in nearly 3 weeks. I've most likely missed a few quizzes and stuff...i don't know what i'm gonna do. I wanna just drop the classes and try again next semester; if i do that however, it'll be like my parents spent $1000 on me for nothing. However, if i just go ahead and fail all my classes, my GPA goes down the hole. A black hole.

I'm also at a loss as to what me and sonia are. I guess we're still boyfriend and girlfriend...but in my mind it's over. I just don't want to carry on. But Sonia keeps on acting as if we never broke up in the first place. In her journal she writes vehemently; things like "why are you still in my heart" or something to that effect. She still wants us to be together...she loves me. But i don't love her back.

What's worse is my inability to bring it up whenever we're together. When she comes over or calls me, i still play the part of "boyfriend". I just can't NOT do it.

I hit my first handrail the other day. It was awesome...me, bryan and mike were just coming home from a mediocre session at Cross Timbers and Central. I was like, "hey, let's go to Chisolm Trail". Bryan didn't care. Mike had no right to say anything, as he hadn't really skated at all.

Anyway, we got there and i started trying the handrail. We had to wax it up with the minimal amount of wax we had, but after that it slid okay. After my third lock-on, i got all the way down. Mike even recorded it on his nifty digital camcorder.

I'm really hoping to get my job back at Barnes and Noble cafe. Seriously. I hate my job at the Doral...the job duties are fine. The pay is okay. The tips are amazing. But i just hate the people i work with. A few are okay, but my superiors are just big dicks. My boss, Brian, always treats me as if i'm completely incompetent. Honestly, he acts as if everyday is my first day, and i am a complete and utter moron who can't do his job. This bitch Nadia does that also, although she's been getting better about it.

Anway, last friday i went downtown with Jaymi and Sonia to hang out and skate. At B&N, i found out that they needed some people in the cafe. Sweet! I'm hoping that if i get hired, i'll be able to work full time. Hell, maybe i can even become a lead. I can hope...

Well, i really need to get to sleep. Fuck, one of the main problems with me not going to school is from staying up too late...i wake up to my alarm and decide that i'm too tired to go to class...fuck.

Fuck fuck fuck.

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god loves ugly [28 Mar 2004|01:19pm]
[ mood | confused ]


Last night sonia and i broke up. Yeah, it was depressing...we got to talking. Apparently i looked sad or something. Sonia kept on asking me what was on my mind. Finally, i told her...basically everything. She took it rather well (too well). I remember her asking, "wait...does this mean we're broken up now?"

Of course, things are never that easy. As i was gathering my things, she broke down and started crying. I stayed with her, trying to comfort her as best as i could. I mean, we had JUST broken up...i left and went home, feeling bad. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

If only things had just stayed like that.

At about 6 in the morning, she called me up, asking me to come over. I didn't know what it was about, though now that i look back at it, it was rather obvious. When i got there, she asked if breaking up was what i really wanted to do.

After a long talk and a bout of make-up sex, we're back together again.

God, somebody please kill me.

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Somebody dial 911... [27 Mar 2004|05:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Well, lessee...

Friday: Slept in till about 2. Went to Sonia's...we fooled around a little bit, then went to my house to try and find Bryan. I got a hold of him, and we went skating. It was Cross Timbers first. We got some good pics. I didn't lace anything real good, but i had fun. When it got dark, we did some cess slides, then left.

We went to Central next. I did some pretty long grinds...i think my balance is improving. However, Bryan and Sonia didn't seem to be having much fun, so we left.

After that, we picked up Jaymi from her house and hit downtown. Bryan and i didn't skate much, so we mainly just followed the girl around. I found out that the cafe is hiring again, so i might apply! W00t!

We dropped bryan off and then retired at sonia's for the night. I couldn't sleep, so i ended up playing a 4 player game of Scrabble with myself at 3 in the morning.

Saturday: Woke up, drove jaymi home. Went back to my house and freshened up. Got my tax refund. I went to this check cashing place and cashed my paycheck and the return. Then i went back to Sonia's.

We went CD shopping...let me tell you, NEVER shop at Warehouse music. I swear to god, every single cd they have costs $20. I was finding the same shit at Best Buy for nearly half the price.

Anyway, i have 6 new cd's....Deftone, Hoobastank, Best of U2, Atmosphere, Barenaked Ladies, and Korn.

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